Introduction

I am at heart a cowardly lion. For the last few years I have wanted so badly to share some of the really cool things I have learned about our loving God with others. But instead of shouting my exciting discoveries from the proverbial rooftops, I have instead attempted to hide in the proverbial closet! Not wanting to be the person who causes controversy, I have gone out of my way to hide or at least stifle discussion about my beliefs. While my friends and family members have freely debated and espoused their beliefs in my presence, I have remained silent because I don’t want to make my loved ones feel uncomfortable.

I guess my propensity for peacemaking and not wanting to argue with others comes from being the typical middle child. Growing up, I always wanted people to “just get along.” When it came time for “fight or flight”, for me it was flight all the way. I would much rather run than exchange blows, physical or verbal! That is why sharing the new tenets of my faith has been so very hard for me – I don’t want people I love to get angry with me, and I am also deeply afraid of rejection.

My very assertive husband tells me, “Why does it even matter who rejects you or not? You care way too much about what people think!” And it’s true. I’ve always been a people-pleaser. I have a long history of being the “good girl”, the anti-troublemaker, and the compliant daughter. Growing up with a dad who was very involved in “The Work” as a church school educator, I was always mindful of the fact that others would be watching my actions and judging my parents if I stepped out of line.  Being a conciliatory sort, the thought of reflecting badly on these two godly people who sacrificed so much for me was more than I could ever bear. To illustrate how much I wanted to only please my parents, let me tell you this: I do not remember ever being spanked because “That really makes Mommy and Daddy sad” hurt far worse than the end of a belt ever could.

Living up to the high standards that have always been expected of me is the primary reason why this journey has been so difficult. Moving from one religious tradition to another is not a decision that anyone, including myself, makes lightly. In fact, it is probably the hardest decision I will ever make, because it has struck at the very core of my emotional, psychological, and religious fiber. It means no longer fitting in with my entire social culture, no longer having shared belief to hold me close to friends and family, and always feeling like people no longer want to be around me because they can only perceive me as having “backslidden.”[1] Furthermore, many of those close to me do not want to hear what spiritual questions brought me to this point. I suspect this is because they are very likely afraid deep in their hearts that if they even entertain those same questions, they might find themselves inadvertently following the same so-called heretical path.

While a smattering of friends have been understanding and supportive of my journey of faith, I have been roundly surprised and dismayed by the tone and attitudes of others. One friend said that I have “poor spiritual judgment”; another insisted that I was an “enemy of God” and exclaimed that she’d never want to read this book detailing my spiritual pursuit. Others have quietly backed out of my life, never to be heard from again or only to greet me politely on those rare occasions when we happen to bump into each other.

My dear husband has borne the brunt of the blame for my perceived defection from the church of my childhood in the minds of many who cannot imagine that I, of my own volition, have made the choices and undertaken the studies that have brought me to the understanding that I now have. “If she had only not married someone outside of our religion, she’d still be safely in the fold” is the general thought. What these individuals do not realize is that every step I have taken, I have made on my own! Beau and I have searched for answers together but we have taken nothing for granted; even the truthfulness of our own spouse’s opinion! I have challenged Beau on his beliefs on multiple occasions, and he has done the same with my beliefs. Together we have searched, prayed, cried, and agonized. Together we have hashed out answers and come to conclusions arrived at only after hours, days, weeks, months, and even years of logical thought, fervent prayer, and intensive study.

Some who used to be close to me have tried to imply that because I now have factual fundamental disagreements with mainstream Christianity in general, and my denomination in particular, I am somehow no longer walking with God. These individuals are saying that because I have turned away from God in their opinion that I am now lost. They feel extremely sad and even angry over the fact that I “once knew the truth but now have wandered away”.

The reality is quite to the contrary. I have not abandoned God whatsoever! It has been the hand of  God that has led me every step of the way to where I am in my knowledge and understandings today. Perhaps from a purely denominational perspective, people may want to disagree that it has been God who has been leading me. However, the fact is I have never once turned away from my Heavenly Father!

I know that in many people’s eyes, I have gone from Good Girl to Backslider to Heretic to Apostate. If you are one of my beloved friends or family members who have felt this way about me, I know that you mean well and that your concern for me is genuine. I, too, have been where you are! I have also watched beloved friends turn away from the church completely. I too have agonized at the thought that I may never see these friends in heaven because they no longer believe the right things. I too have sobbed over their presumed fate, so I understand the grief that you might experience deep in your heart for what you feel is the loss of my salvation. But honestly, have you ever really stopped to ask me where I am in my walk with God today? Will you believe me when I tell you that my connection with my heavenly Father is stronger than ever because of what I have learned about His beautiful and forgiving character?

Please let me tell you this story in the hopes that just maybe, you too will be willing to get to know the God that Jesus knew, and the God I am still discovering.