Taking Back Ground

As I gradually began to figure out what it meant to live a godly life free from an overwhelming dependence on bloody doctrine and pagan practices, I started feeling melancholy about some of the inspirational Christian songs I had written in the past. One of them, entitled “It Was Me”, provoked a special sadness. This anthem, which was one of my best-known and most loved songs, held incredible personal significance. The problem was that the lyrics were based entirely on imputed guilt and substitutional atonement, and these religious constructs held no place in my life anymore.

“It Was Me” was originally inspired by an emotional conversation with a dear friend. This devout Christian woman confided that during a particularly dark time in her life, she found herself very angry with Jesus. Because she believed that he was responsible for not rescuing her from her personal pain, her therapist advised her to physically mimic the action of nailing Jesus to the cross. Finally she could show him just how angry she was at him!

Having worked for many years as a psychiatric nurse, my heart was touched and saddened by the depths of her pain. As I reflected on the event and viewed it through the lens of substitutionary atonement, the thought struck me like the proverbial ton of bricks: “Hey! I DID kill Jesus, for all intents and purposes! It was my own personal sin that killed him!” and thus the following lyrics were born.

When I’d hear about the age old story of how Jesus died for me
I always wished that I had been there by His side
I would have stayed right there beside the Master as His closest, dearest friend
I would have comforted His mother while she cried

I believed, that I was very different; that I’d never run away
If it were me, I’d fight for Him, I’d stand my ground
But then, the Lord revealed to me a vision of that day on Calvary
and to my horror and my astonishment, I found

That it was me that nailed him to the tree
I’m the one who shouted “Crucify the Son of God!”
It was my sin that pierced his holy side…
When I saw who killed the Savior, it was me!

I was overcome with pain and sorrow; I cried bitter tears of grief
I couldn’t understand the price he had to pay
For I knew I simply was not worthy of the sacrifice he made
What was my worth to him, that he would die that way?

It was for me, He laid there on the tree
The price of sin was paid, by the life He gave for free
For my eternal soul He died and rose again
I’m the child He gave His life for: it was me.

Now look, the cold, hard truth laid bare for all to see
Those gentle nail-scarred hands were pierced and bruised for me
The Father’s precious, perfect Son was in this world the only One
who could pay that fatal price to set me free.

It was for me, He laid there on the tree
The price of sin was paid, by the life He gave for free
For my eternal soul He died and rose again
I am the child He gave His life for: it was me.

“It Was Me” was a heartfelt and touching song that encapsulated and illustrated in a nutshell the traditional Christian message. But I could no longer buy into those doctrines anymore. Rather than agonizing about my utter worthlessness that was supposedly responsible for nailing Jesus to the cross, I had found a loving Father who saw me – ME! – and loved me for the precious child that I am; with all my faults and foibles, idiosyncrasies and emotions. Because God truly saw ME, He had no need for Jesus to “stand between us” in order to tolerate the sight of me.

“It Was Me” was also a skeleton from the “land of my fathers” that would not remain buried. In all honesty, I did not want to leave it in the past! I longed to be able to bring it into the Promised Land with me. In order to do so, I needed to make some substantial changes.

The thought of rewriting such an epic inspirational song was daring, and a not little bit intimidating. Because of the emotional significance the song held for so many precious friends and family members, I ran the risk of upsetting them greatly when they found out that I had changed the lyrics. But how could I remain honest to  myself as well as to God if I did NOT rewrite it? The melody would never be purged from my mind. Would I just continue to be overcome with sadness when I heard it playing on my mental soundtrack, or would I reclaim it and use it to testify about the beauty of the new spiritual homeland I had found?

The answer was obvious. The replacement lyrics came more easily than I had expected, even though the restrictions of rewriting an established song made it more challenging than if I had just started a new song from scratch. My goal was to keep the same ”look and feel” of the original lyrics, using as many of the same phrases and rhyming structures as possible so it still sounded “right” to my ears. This presented a bit of a puzzle, but I knew instinctively that the result would be worth the challenge.

When the rewrite had been completed, I was excited to find that the redux version of “It Was Me” now beautifully illustrated the love and compassion and outstanding character of the God I had come to know. Now, rather than being a leftover relic of the land of my fathers, my signature anthem had become a testimony that illustrated the glorious beauty of the Promised Land.

The new lyrics for “It Was Me” read,

From the time that I was young and fragile, as an innocent should be
I knew my sins were like a thorn in Father’s side
I was told I could not stand before Him, for these sins were all He’d see
And for atonement, precious Jesus had to die

I was told that God had found me “guilty”; placed my shame on full display
That all my righteous deeds were filth upon the ground
But then my questing heart began a journey to discover His true way
And to my joy and my astonishment I found

(Chorus)
That it was me my God could clearly see!
Perfect love, undoubted, was the love He had for me!
He longed to draw me to His holy side
Precious child loved by Heaven, it was me!

I was overcome with joy and gladness; I cried tears of sweet relief
I was so thrilled to know He would not turn away
For I was a child of my Father much adored beyond belief
Of matchless worth to Him, beloved in every way

(Chorus)
For it was me my God could clearly see!
Perfect love, undoubted, was the love He had for me!
He longed to draw me to His holy side
Precious child loved by Heaven, it was me!

(Bridge)
Now look, such glorious Truth revealed for all to see
God finds me worthy; from His eyes I should not flee
No need to offer up a lamb
“Appease His wrath” with blood-drenched hands
For when I repent, He’ll always pardon me!

Yes, it is me my God can clearly see!
Perfect love, undoubted, is the love He has for me!
He longs to draw me to His holy side
Precious child loved by Heaven, it was me!

I am a child beloved of Heaven… it was me…

The salient points of the original version of “It Was Me” based on traditional Christian doctrine are:

1. I am, on my own, worthless.

2. I am so vile that my actions caused the death of Jesus. I might as well have driven the nails in myself.

3. God needed to be appeased with the blood of Jesus in order to forgive me for my sins and transgressions.

Let us compare this summation with the salient points of the redux version of “It Was Me”:

1. God loves me so very much and looks on me with pride and joy.

2. When I repent of my sins, God is faithful to forgive me. No blood or sacrifice is required or even desired.

Tell me, which one of these song variations illustrates the most loving God? Even so, why are we so reluctant to accept this viewpoint? Is our deep-seated tradition the only thing that keeps us from accepting and embracing a more loving God?